Discipline as a Devotion

Remember last month when I shared that I was feeling discombobulated because Spring? Well, that’s still true, AND I’m leaning deeply into some new practices that I think might make a lot of difference for me.

Specifically, I’m talking about practicing discipline. I’ve talked about discipline before, and I’m sure I’ll talk about it again. If we’re going to do things in this world, we’re going to need some discipline. The good news, though, is you already have loads of it, even if you may feel like you have none.

Now, to be fair, as a driven person, discipline is rarely a problem for me. I’ve propelled myself forward through sheer grit, determination and a healthy disregard for my mental, spiritual and physical wellbeing for most of my life (pretty sure this might be in some way connected to my recent autoimmune diagnoses).

In the past, if I wanted to do something, I just did it. If it was hard, I just went after it harder. I can force myself to do just about anything, if I’m being honest. But if I’m really being honest, these days, I’m not so interested in forcing my way through life, just getting through things to get to the other side, where there are always new and better things to force myself towards.

I’ve done life the hard way for the better part of four decades, and I’m tired of doing things the toughest way possible. I’ve won no awards for my extra suffering. I am a person with a lot of resilience and energy, but even I will admit I’m feeling tired. Tired of struggling, of forcing and pushing, of striving and driving and being relentless in the pursuit of my joy and happiness.

Walking my mother home last year really drove home a lesson that Life/Spirit/God, in their infinite wisdom, have been giving me as medicine for many years. I’d begun to really listen in earnest a few years ago, but while I understood the lesson in theory, I had no idea how to practice it in my life.

The lesson is this: if I keep waiting to get somewhere or achieve/create something in order to be fully alive in my Joy and all my soul’s essential nature, I will miss my opportunity to really live this beautiful life I have been given. It is possible to miss out on a beautiful life all because you were waiting for it.

I’m no longer willing to wait for my life to be beautiful. This is good timing, because it turns out my life is beautiful right now. My joy, happiness, contentment, fulfilment and delight don’t wait for me to catch up or earn them. They exist in every moment, no matter how hard, how challenging, how devastating this present moment feels.

So, how do I move forward in a beauty-full life, capturing all these magic moments, if I’m not able to push myself forward? This was a genuine mystery to me for a long time. But I’ve received some clarity as I’ve been clarified in my losses.

The answer is discipline, just like it always was before. But instead of discipline like a drill seargeant, I’m coming from another definition. A more beautiful, joyful and loving definition of discipline.

We’re all familiar with the idea of discipline as controlling, forcing and obedience. We even use the term discipline as a synonym for punishment. I’ve been very good at using shame and guilt to fuel my discipline to push and punish and effort myself through my goals.

But a few years ago, a shaman looked me in the eyes (maybe in my soul?) and told me that I’ve done a really good job of being really strong. And now, she said, it was time for me to learn how to be soft. It landed in my heart, though I had no idea how to do it.

It turned out to be okay that I didn’t know how to do it: Life was about to give me ample lessons in softening and surrendering. And I’ve learned.

Oh, how I’ve learned.

Which brings me back to discipline. Because there is another definition of discipline that I’m practicing these days.

Discipline comes from Latin, discere, which means to learn. A disciple is someone who learns. Someone who follows. Someone who is devoted. The ones who followed Jesus were his disciples. They weren’t his henchmen or soldiers. They followed his love with their own.

I have decided to let myself become a disciple of my own heart and not just a follower of my achievements and chaser of my joy, which always seemed to be just one step ahead of wherever I found myself.

Discere.

I learn, because I am always listening for what it is I need, and what it is I want, instead of pitting my needs against my desires. I am done being the rope in my own game of tug-of-war.

My discipline is my devotion to myself, which is to all the beauty, love, joy and wellbeing available to me. These are not to be earned or won, like some exotic and elusive beast I must hunt down for all my days, only to face off with at the very end. Nothing must be eked out or die for me to enjoy this lifetime.

I am a disciple of the experience of life I wish to be living, which includes all the things I need to do and want to do. I can live my life with taut muscles and gritted teeth, or I can relax and soften into the experience in front of me, letting go of the idea that this life is hard and I must be harder.

I’ve learned that even the hardest things can be exquisitely beautiful at the same time they break my heart apart. I’ve learned that bending is easier than breaking myself, and that grace isn’t a cop out.

It turns out that being disciplined like a disciple and not like a drill seargeant is just as effective, if not more so, when it comes to achieving and creating. Being a follower of my soul from devotion and not from disregarding my humanity allows me to live in this beautiful life, instead of chasing joy and waiting for it to arrive, which only tends to keep it out of reach.

Discipline from devotion, not just to the outcome, but to the experience I wish to be having along the way, means that I can move projects forward from choice and not from desperation. I show up because I’m choosing to show up, not because I’m forcing myself in order to avoid the punishment of my own self judgment.

As a devotee of my own heart, my own creativity, I have less resistance and I procrastinate less, because I actually want to do these things, because I am allowed to enjoy the process and not just the result.

Nowadays, if you need me, I’ll be over here, practicing discipline like a disciple. Practicing discipline as a devotion, because what better place to be devoted, if not to my own soul and experience of life?